If you’re still looking for the lasting, loving relationship that will make you come alive, then you’re probably not showing the world what a beautiful person you really are. Annie Kaszina believes that this might be much easier to do than you may think. Here are some simple exercises you can use to make powerful mind-shifts.
If you don’t yet have the loving, lasting relationship you long for, then something is not working. But that ‘something’ may not be what you think. The journey to lasting love starts inside – not outside – you. For a lot of people – and you may be one of them – the problem lies not in what they know, but in the deep-seated beliefs they have that they’re not even aware of.
In this article, what we’ll cover will be a quick appraisal of your deep-seated beliefs and the simple exercises you can use to shift them.
Have you ever said any of the following?
“There must be something wrong with me”
“All the good partners are taken”
“I’m too X,Y, or Z”, or else “I’m not good enough?”
“I can’t/don’t know how to attract the great partner I want because…”
“I just want to be happy”
There must be something wrong with me. Blame is unattractive. Seriously unattractive. Now, I’m guessing you’re a lovely person and you reserve your harshest criticisms for yourself. I hate to tell you this, but that that’s just a different kind of bad. When you blame yourself, you hurt yourself; over and over again. What’s more, blame erects a glass wall between you and other people. How can you let someone close to you when you’re terrified they’ll see you the way you see yourself?
Exercise 1 – Show yourself some love
Yes, I know that sounds like a big ask. So, let’s get specific. Every day, you’re going to take the time to tell yourself: “I think there must be something wrong with me, and I love myself anyway.” That’s all. Try and spend two minutes at a time doing that, five times a day – and in-between times, as often as you like.
“All the good partners are taken”. Now, there’s a scarcity belief if ever I heard one! You aren’t looking for 1,000, 100, or even ten people; just one person in the whole Universe who is right for you. Is that really such an impossible ask? Don’t wait to see it before you believe it. What you believe is what will show up in your life.
Exercise 2 – Work with the Universe
Listen out for that scarcity belief and keep reminding yourself: “It’s not my job to worry about the How, Where, When, or even Why. I’m happy to trust that my perfect partner is there for me, and we will find each other. The Universe is working on my behalf.”
“I’m too X, Y, or Z”. I’m not good enough.” Just for a moment, let’s turn our focus away from you, to the friends, and family who love you. Are they idiots? I didn’t think so. Since they’re not idiots, the chances are they know a lot of good things about you that you don’t. How’s that for a sobering thought? Until now, you’ve been doing two key things that just don’t work. First, you’ve been telling yourself that before you can be loveable, there are various requirements that need to be met – and you can’t meet them. Second, you’ve been comparing yourself – unfavourably – with everyone you think is better than you are.
Exercise 3 – Face up to yourself
Actually, you’re already loved, and already good enough. But you have to believe it. The fact is, you’ll believe anything you tell yourself often enough – you already do; that’s why you believe all the bad stuff. So, here’s how you are going to face up to the good stuff: you’re going to create a powerful new habit. In future, every single time you brush your teeth, you’re going to gaze into the mirror and say to yourself – out loud – “I am already loveable enough and good enough.” It may not happen overnight, but your unconscious mind will get the message.
“I don’t know how I can attract a great partner because…” Everybody has a back story, and everybody has been hurt: some more than you, some less. If you have been very hurt in your life, it’s time you realised that this is one more reason why you deserve the loving, lasting relationship you desire. Your back story has shaped you. It’s made you stronger and wiser. It’s also made you a more beautiful soul. But, in the end, it’s just the story of what happened to you. It’s not who you are. Don’t let it define you.
Exercise 4 – Change the meaning
You know exactly why you shouldn’t have the love you deserve – and what you think you know is not true. So, here’s how you change things. Take time out when nobody will disturb you and divide as many pages as you could possibly need into left and right-hand columns. In the left-hand column write out the exhaustive list of reasons why you can’t have the love you want. Each item should start with the word “because” – e.g. “Because I’ve been hurt so badly in the past.”
When you’ve finished your list, in the right-hand column, next to each item, you’ll write: “I deserve to have a truly loving partner now.” You can repeat this exercise as many times as you like.
“I just want to be happy.” Every time anyone has ever said this to me, it’s been shorthand for ideas they weren’t even aware of, like:
I can’t be happy unless and until I have someone in my life
Happiness can only come to me from the outside in!
Other people can do it. Why does it have to so hard for me?
Happiness is your birthright. You already know how to do it. You have known since you were a tiny baby, and probably before you were even born. But over the years you’ve forgotten how to train your happiness muscle. In the movies, there’ll be a dream partner who’ll be drawn to your sad eyes and want to make you happy. In the real world, the only person who’ll ever want to espouse your burden of unhappiness is the Rescuer. Rescuers expect you to be eternally grateful and put them on a pedestal for ever after. Unless you like polishing pedestals and massaging a partner’s insatiable ego, Rescuers are best avoided.
Exercise 5 – Be happy NOW!
Happy people are infinitely more attractive than unhappy people. You are already far happier than you realise. It’s time to start counting your blessings. From now on, every night you are going to make a written list of 20 things you have to celebrate in your day. The harder that sounds, the more you need to do it. If you’re struggling, here are some suggestions for your list: sunshine, a flower, a roof over your head, a kind word given or received, and laughter.
Can it really be that simple? Finding the lasting, loving relationship you want isn’t rocket science – otherwise you wouldn’t come across so many people who have already managed it. It’s about opening your heart and mind to the possibility and becoming the kind of delightful person you want as a partner. To paraphrase Mahatma Gandhi: “Be the loving partner you want to see in your life.” Start living in that world of love now, and allow a beautiful transformation to take place in your life.
About the author
Annie Kaszina Ph.D., author of Do You Choose Your Man More Carefully Than Your Husband, was a long-term relationship disaster, until she discovered she had chosen her dog more carefully than her husband. Now a women’s relationship expert, she’s spent 10 years teaching women how they can own their own amazingness, and enjoy lasting happiness.
Pssst… Fancy a free read? Annie is offering all Soul & Spirit readers a free chapter of her multi-award-winning, here.